“What would you have done differently if you got a chance to do it all again?”
A close friend of mine asked me this question during the last days of our undergraduate program. I remember that I took some time to think it over and then said, “I would’ve been more involved.” Since we were having one of our philosophical discussions, I proceeded to tell him about one of my greatest fears.
I have a vision that I’m lying on my deathbed. There are people around me. Their concerned faces are hovering over me. I do not look back. All I do is wonder, “What was all of it for? Why so much suffering? Did I live correctly? Did I even live?”
In 1886, Leo Tolstoy published his novella “The Death of Ivan Ilyich.” The story is about the judge, Ivan Ilyich, who lived his life as per the social customs in 19th-century Russia. The customs back then demanded that Ivan study and score well in law school, obtain a respectable job as a government employee, marry a woman with a decent background, and sire healthy babies. He did all of that and was then afflicted with an incurable disease. On his deathbed, in his suffering, he realizes that his life was completely empty. But why? Didn’t he do all the right things?
“One glittering drop of hope followed by a raging sea of despair…""
Living someone else’s life
Ivan Ilyich is an everyday man. He wants to climb the social ladder, he wants a luxurious life, he wants that grand house, he wants those pretty drapes, he wants that job promotion, and he wants that salary raise. But why? He does not stop to think of that. Neither does he stop to wonder whether what he is doing is good for his loved ones. He just does it.
It is mentioned that Ivan reads the book that other people discuss. He does not talk to these people but reads the books that they have read or are reading. Maybe Ivan does this to keep up with the literary society, or to appear to be an intellectual at dinner table conversations, or to simply feel that he is a member of a tribe. His motivations are unclear.
Ivan has this feeling that he is unique. And so, like every unique person, he goes ahead and decorates his house exactly in the way that respectable people around him have.
Estranged relationships
After marrying the woman he loves, Ivan finds out that their marriage is doomed. Both of them are irritated at the slightest discomfort. They both want something from each other. Ivan wants the presence of his wife for social situations, and his wife wants a comfortable life. That’s their arrangement, and that is how they maintain a semblance of peace in their house.
Ivan’s daughter, Lisa, shares a complex and strained relationship with her father marked by a genuine lack of emotional connection. When Ivan is ill, rather than being sympathetic, Lisa is irritated. She is more preoccupied with her fiancé and their social status as a couple than caring for or even being there for her ailing father.
“Ivan Ilyich’s so-called friends, couldn’t help thinking that they would now have to fulfil some tedious social obligations such as attending the funeral and calling on the widow to express their condolences.”
That sentence tells us everything about what his friends and colleagues really felt about him. Most of Ivan’s friendships were superficial and for the sake of convenience.
A becaon in the dark
Geraism is neither Ivan’s relative nor his friend or colleague. He is a young, healthy peasant who acts like the butler’s assistant. Geraism is the only person in his house who treats Ivan with genuine care and without any expectations.
Ivan appreciates the fact that Geraism does not lie to him about his failing health like the other members of the house do. In fact, when Geraism says, “We shall all die one day,” Ivan is struck by his acceptance of death, which is in contrast to his own wild denial of death.
Ivan looks at Geraism and knows for a fact that he is living an authentic life. A life filled with compassion, empathy, genuine human connection, and a deep respect for his work. This helps Ivan during his last days.
Release
“Death has gone""
During his last hours, a force strikes Ivan, and he is brought into the presence of a bright light. After this, he harbors no anger towards his wife or daughter and even pities them and his son. He hopes that they live a genuine life and hopes his death will release them.
Finally, when death comes to Ivan, for him, death disappears. In other words, he no longer denies death and accepts the reality as it is.
Conclusion
No matter how often I may be told, “You cannot understand the meaning of life so do not think about it, but live,” I can no longer do it: I have already done it too long. I cannot now help seeing day and night going round and bringing me to death. That is all I see, for that alone is true. All else is false.
I can clearly understand the predicament in which Leo Tolstoy must have been when he decided to write out this masterpiece. An existential crisis, or the lack of meaning in life, is something that we all go through. There are different coping mechanisms for this. Some people turn to religion in this time of crisis. Some decide to weave their own meaning in this life. A few understand the absurdity of meaning and life. And very few decide that there is no inherent meaning to life.
The dreadful vision that I confided to my friend no longer haunts me. I have decided to embrace the absurdity of it all. I have chosen to rebel against the absurdity of life and find meaning in the struggle itself.
Even if this book had not hit so close to home, I would have rated it extremely highly. For the simple reason: this book makes you think. And even if this meaning crisis is something that I believe I have resolved, it gave me a chance to test my understanding under the weight of the same old heavy questions.
I would recommend this book to everyone who is even slightly interested in philosophy, wants to understand human nature, and wants to read a book that makes them ponder over their life decisions.
My final rating: